TOP 3 / BOTTOM 3 BIRTHDAY POSTS
WOW. Can you believe it’s here again? The time when we rank the best and worst birthday posts people sent me. I can’t believe the turn out this year. In a bad way. 149 posts. To be honest, I was expecting a minimum of 3000 posts. I mean I guess I’m glad that 149 people thought to take this seriously but I tried really hard to get the word out. I’m used to huge amounts of success so to get such a bullshit number is a little deflating. What the fuck, you guys? You guys have better shit to do? Now I have to suck up to the 149 losers that did post something so at least they’ll stick around for next year. I guess we got more submissions than last year but seriously who gives a shit? I hoped to turn this into something I could get on HuffPo Comedy. That’s the big time. But I guess you gotta be Donald fucking Glover to get anybody to write about you. That being said, I promised you guys that I would do a Top 3 / Bottom 3 so I guess I’ll do it.
Again, if you didn’t write me a happy birthday post this year you can blow your brains out.
BOTTOM 3 POSTS!
3. Doc Watsons
Wow! Way to make it about you, Docs. I guess I’m honored that my facebook profile is a choice place for you to advertise your business? I love how you pretend to be close with me only to reveal that this has been a “Docs” commercial the whole time! It reminds me of that time I went over my friends house after his grandpa passed away. I remember looking him in the eye and saying “Hey man…he’s in a better place. And that’s a John Trowbridge guarantee.” Oh wait, I didn’t say that. Yeah, I would never say that because I’m not a pile of human garbage.
ps. no clue who you are or why you care about me.
2. Katie Sicking
Ok, my name is on my profile. Ya know, the one you’re looking at? Why wish somebody a happy birthday without knowing their name? It’s not like I snuck up to you at a party. You came to MY profile! Lazy. Just plain fucking lazy. I feel like I’m your cousin’s husband or something. And if you do wanna be midwestern about it, it’s “so ‘n so” not “so-AND-so” People use that phrase to communicate how comfortable they are. Not showcase their Aspergers. You never hear anybody say “That sort of thing is my bread AND butter!” It makes it sound like he’s twitchy and nervous at whatever the fuck he’s talking about.
1. Katie Simon
Don’t submit next year. Just don’t. I advertise 24 HOURS IN ADVANCE so that assholes like you can prepare and try to win this fucking thing. Not so you can give me two scoops of dogshit a day after the cut off. And yes, you can edit “these things” pretty fucking easily. Facebook has actually gotten more user friendly since your epic fuck up last year. Also here’s a hint, I’m looking for an acknowledgment of my birthday. Not two dumb questions and an apology. YOU ARE BANNED FROM FUTURE COMPETITIONS.
Whew! Alright let’s get to the winners!
TOP 3 POSTS
3. Brandon Scott Wolf
Very very nice. Although Brandon shouldn’t feel too good because he squeaked into the top 3. Tons of promise! He got the fundamentals down. Made a rookie mistake by not capitalizing the “B” in birthday. But recovered with the exclamation point after my name. He really should’ve stopped there and played it safe. Adding a “I hope you have a great day” was a little cocky, if you ask me. But a guy like Brandon was probably thinking that while he was writing it. And I wont shit on somebody for taking a risk. Lord knows we need more risk takers.
2. Jeremy Bent and Jane Elizabeth Nelson
Wow, it’s really fun seeing two competitors go at it at a very high level! Magic Vs. Bird, Ali Vs. Frazier, Kenny Vs. Spenny. Jeremy and Jane really wanted this and they were willing to do anything to get it. It’s master-duels like this that make putting up with the Katie Simons of the world worth it. Seriously, fuck that girl. In the end, I had to call it a draw. At first I was going to give the edge to Jane for posting earlier. But then I realized that it’s not about being faster. It’s about delivering a good product. If Michelangelo paints me something beautiful and then Da Vinci runs in two hours later with an equally breathtaking piece, I’m not gonna tell Da Vinci “Hey man, tough titties! Good luck hiding christ’s secrets in your other paintings cause I gotta throw this one away!”
1. Jesse Neil
Poetry. Perfection. Prestige. It took two years but somebody finally did it. Capital H Happy, Capital B Birthday, Comma, Capital J John, and an exclamation point. Now that I see it in front of me it seems so simple. You know, we look at our TV and think “Well yeah…it’s a TV. I understand what a TV is and what is does.” BUT SOMEBODY HAD TO BUILD THAT FROM NOTHING! Somebody had to think of a TV before a TV was invented and then make a TV. Isn’t that insane? Well that’s how I feel about Jesse’s happy birthday facebook post. It’s the new normal that everybody will go by from now on and everybody will treat it like it’s always been there. Our children and our children’s children will take this post for granted. It’ll be their starting point. Jesse’s post is more than a post, in a way. It’s a comment on human’s selective understanding of what’s basic.
1. Brady O’Callahan
Dude. For real.
2. Alex French
YOU DON’T GET TO TALK TO ME LIKE THAT ON MY BIRTHDAY! OK?! FUCK YOU AND FUCK THE THREE PEOPLE WHO LIKED THIS!
3. Morgan MillerNever forget.
4. Ken Beck
I mean…I just have no fucking clue…
Thanks SO MUCH to everybody that participated this year. I’m #blessed to have so many dedicated people putting work into this very important project. Godbless and I can’t wait for next year!